17

I used to write pretty judiciously on my word processor, in a slightly altered journal format in order to organize my thoughts and quell my anxiety. For those who know me, they know I am a very anxious person. I have been that way for my whole life. I have had a slow path and have had many struggles that others may or may not have had. Regardless of how hard they try to jam the idea that being different is good in pre-kindergarten, I don’t think anyone really likes being different. Whether it be an extreme like hate crimes or just being teased and mocked incessantly, it is no fun. But this is not a political post but a more personal one. As a white male, who has not had it nearly as rough as many people out there I generally wonder if I have any right to complain. But I think we all have our inner demons that we must face and conquer. I like to think that there is an ongoing battle between my dragon soul and the negative view I have of myself. I am a man who loves stories and who better to create the most elaborate self-created obstacles imaginable. I am my own worst enemy. 2016 has been a very rough year. With my spinal issues and the political divide in my family, it has been rough. I guess the whole Dem hypocrisy thing was so hurtful because I hated to see self-fufilling prophecies repeat over and over. I am the master of self-sabotage. I hate seeing it happen. But more importantly is that I still have yet to be at peace with where I am at after 2016. I have anger, resentment, and sadness all bottled up. I feel lonely and yearn for female companionship and love. I want to be out on my own exploring the world and doing my own thing. And yet as always, I am not there yet. I still have yet accept the slower path I must walk to get to where I need to be. This may seem like bitching and whining. It might seem like the ramblings of a man-child who won’t grow the fuck up. There is some truth in that I think. But I also know that the yearnings to better myself are not fake. They are real and I can take comfort in that. I may be a anxiety prone, too nice guy. I may be hapless with the opposite sex and plagued with low self-confidence. But 2017 will be a better year because I will make it a better year. I will find the self-control, positivity, and drive to make it so. I will rise from the ashes like the Phoenix. I will be reborn.  And then I will punch Donny tiny hands in his ferret face.

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